高山上的呼喊-go tell it on the mountain-第9章
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ions； and emptied the contents into her palm。 He heard thechink of money； which meant that she was going to send him to the store。 She put the vase backand turned to face him； her palm loosely folded before her。
‘I didn’t never ask you；’ she said； ‘what you wanted for your birthday。 But you take this；son； and go out and get yourself something you think you want。’
And she opened his palm and put the money into it； warm and wet from her hand。 In themoment that he felt the warm； smooth coins and her hand on his； John stared blindly at her face； sofar above him。 His heart broke and he wanted to put his head on her belly where the wet spot was；and cry。 But he dropped his eyes and looked at his palm； at the small pile of coins。
‘It ain’t much there；’ she said。
‘That’s all right。’ Then he looked up； and she bent down and kissed him on the forehead。
‘You getting to be；’ she said； putting her hand beneath his chin and holding his face awayfrom her； ‘a right big boy。 You going to be a mighty fine man； you know what？ Your mama’scounting on you。’
And he knew again that she was not saying everything she meant； in a kind of secretlanguage she was telling him to…day something that he must remember and understand to…morrow。
He watched her face； his heart swollen with love for her and with an anguish； not yet his own； buthe did not understand and that frightened him。
‘Yes； Ma；’ he said； hoping that she would realize； despite his stammering tongue； the depthof his passion to please her。
‘I know；’ she said； with a smile； releasing him and rising； ‘there’s a whole lot of things youdon’t understand。 But don’t you fret。 The Lord’ll reveal to you in His own good time everythingHe wants you to know。 You put your faith in the Lord； Johnny； and He’ll surely bring you out。
Everything works together for good for them that love the Lord。’
He had heard her say this before—it was her text； as Set thine house in order was hisfather’s—but he knew that to…day she was saying it to him especially； she was trying to help himbecause she knew he was in trouble。 And this trouble was also her own； which she would never tellto John。 And even though he was certain that they could not be speaking of the same things—forthen； surely； she would be angry and no longer proud of him—this perception on her part and hisavowal of her love for him lent to John’s bewilderment a reality that terrified and a dignity thatconsoled him。 Dimly； he felt that he ought to console her； and he listened； astounded； at the wordsthat now fell from his lips：
‘Yes； Mama。 I’m going to try to love the Lord。’
At this there sprang into his mother’s face something startling； beautiful； unspeakably sad—as though she were looking far beyond him at a long； dark road； and seeing on that road atraveler in perpetual danger。 Was it he； the traveler？ or herself？ or was she thinking of the cross ofJesus？ She turned back to the wash…tub； still with this strange sadness on her face。
‘You better go on now；’ she said； before your daddy gets home。’
In Central Park the snow had not yet melted on his favorite hill。 This hill was in the center of thepark； after he had left the circ le of the reservoir； where he always found； outside the high wall ofcrossed wire； ladies； white； in fur coats； walking their great dogs； or old； white gentlemen withcanes。 At a point that he knew by instinct and by the shape of the buildings surrounding the park；he struck out on a steep path overgrown with trees； and climbed a short distance until he reachedthe clearing that led to the hill。 Before him； then； the slope stretched upward； and above it thebrilliant sky； and beyond it； cloudy； and far away； he saw the skyline of New York。 He did notknow why； but there arose in him an exultation and a sense of power； and he ran up the hill like anengine； or a madman； willing to throw himself headlong into the city that glowed before him。
But when he reached the summit he paused； he stood on the crest of the hill； hands claspedbeneath his chin； looking down。 Then he； John； felt like a giant who might crumble this city withhis anger； he felt like a tyrant who might crush this city beneath his heel； he felt like a long…awaited conqueror at whose feet flowers would be strewn； and before whom multitudes cried；Hosanna！ He would be； of all； the mightiest； the most beloved； the Lord’s anointed； and he wouldlive in this shining city which his ancestors had seen with longing from far away。 For it was his；the inhabitants of the city had told him it was his； he had but to run down； crying； and they wouldtake him to their hearts and shoe him wonders his eyes had never seen。
And still； on the summit of that hill he paused。 He remembered the people he had seen inthat city； whose eyes held no love for him。 And he thought of their feet so swift and brutal； and thedark gray clothes they wore； and how when they passed they did not see him； or； if they saw him；they smirked。 And how the lights； unceasing； crashed on and off above him； and how he was astranger there。 Then he remembered his father and his mother； and all the arms stretched out tohold him back； to save him from this city where； they said； his soul would find perdition。
And certainly perdition sucked at the feet of the people who walked there； and cried in thelights； in the gigantic towers； the marks of Satan could be found in the faces of the people whowaited at the doors of movie houses； his words were printed on the great movie posters that invitedpeople to sin。 It was the roar of the damned that filled Broadway； where motor…cars and buses andthe hurrying people disputed every inch with death。 Broadway： the way that led to death wasbroad； and many could be found thereon； but narrow was the way that led to life eternal； and fewthere were who found it。 But he did not long for the narrow way； where all his people walked；where the houses did not rise； piercing； as it seemed； the unchanging clouds； but huddled； flat；ignoble； close to the filthy ground； where the streets and the hallways and the rooms were dark；and where the unconquerable odor was of dust； and sweat； and urine； and home…made gin。 In thenarrow way； the way of the cross； there awaited him only humiliation for ever； there awaited him；one day； a house like his father’s house； and a church like his father’s； and a job like his father’s；where he would grow old and black with hunger and toil。 The way of the cross had given him abelly filled with wind and had bent his mother’s back； they had never worn fine clothes； but here；where the buildings contested God’s power and where the men and women did not fear God； herehe might eat and drink to his heart’s content and clothe his body with wondrous fabrics； rich to theeye and pleasing to the touch。 And then what of his soul； which would one day e to die andstand naked before the judgment bar？ What would his conquest of the city profit him on that day？
To hurl away； for a moment of ease； the glories of eternity！
These glories were unimaginable—but the city was real。 He stood for a moment on themelting snow； distracted； and then began to run down the hill； feeling himself fly as the descentbecame more rapid； and thinking： ‘I can climb back up。 If it’s wrong； I can always climb back up。’
At the bottom of the hill； where the ground abruptly leveled off on to a gravel path； he nearlyknocked down an old white man with a white beard； who was walking very slowly and leaning onhis cane。 They both stopped； astonished； and looked at one another。 John struggled to catch hisbreath and apologize； but old man smiled。 John smiled back。 It was as though he and the old manhad between them a great secret； and the old man moved on。 The snow glittered in patches all overthe park。 Ice； under the pale； strong sun； melted slowly on the branches and trunks of trees。
He came out of the park at Fifth Avenue where； as always； the old…fashioned horse…carriages were lined along the kerb； their drivers sitting on the high seats with rugs around theirknees； or standing in twos and threes near the horses； stamping their feet and smoking pipes andtalking。 I summer he had seen peopl
