高山上的呼喊-go tell it on the mountain-第14章

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　　She　put　down　her　bag　in　the　center　of　the　hateful　room。
　　‘Ma；’　she　said；　‘I’m　going。　I’m　a…going　this　morning。’
　　Now　that　she　had　said　it；　she　was　angry　with　herself　for　not　having　said　it　the　night　before；so　that　they　would　have　had　time　to　be　finished　with　their　weeping　and　their　arguments。　She　hadnot　trusted　herself　to　withstand　the　night　before；　but　now　there　was　almost　no　time　t。　The　center　of　her　mind　was　filled　with　the　image　of　the　great；　white　clock　at　the　railway　station；　on　which　thehands　did　not　cease　to　move。
　　‘You　going　where？’　her　mother　asked　sharply。　But　she　knew　that　her　mother　hadunderstood；　had　indeed　long　before　this　moment　known　that　this　time　would　e。　Theastonishment　with　which　she　stared　at　Florence’s　bag　was　not　altogether　astonishment；　but　astartled；　wary　attention。　A　danger　imagined　had　bee　present　and　real；　and　her　mother　wasalready　searching　for　a　way　to　break　Florence’s　will。　All　this　Florence　knew　in　a　moment；　and　itmade　her　stronger。　She　watched　her　mother；　waiting。
　　But　at　the　tone　of　his　mother’s　voice　Gabriel；　who　had　scarcely　heard　Florence’sannouncement；　so　grateful　had　he　been　that　something　had　occurred　to　distract　from　him　hismother’s　attention；　dropped　his　eyes　and　saw　Florence’s　traveling…bag。　And　he　repeated　hismother’s　question　in　a　stunned；　angry　voice；　understanding　it　only　as　the　words　hit　the　air：
　　‘Yes；　girl。　Where　you　think　you　going？’
　　‘I’m　going；　she　said；　‘to　New　York。　I　got　my　ticket。’
　　And　her　mother　watched　her。　For　a　moment　no　one　said　a　word。　Then；　Gabriel；　in　achanged　and　frightened　voice；　asked：
　　‘And　when　you　done　decide　that？’
　　She　did　not　look　at　him；　nor　answer　his　question。　She　continued　to　watch　her　mother。　‘I　gotmy　ticket；’　she　repeated。　‘I’m　going　on　the　morning　train。’
　　‘Girl；’　asked　her　mother；　quietly；　‘is　you　sure　you　know　what　you’s　doing？’
　　She　stiffened。　seeing　in　her　mother’s　eyes　a　mocking　pity。　‘I’m　a　woman　grown；’　she　said。
　　‘I　know　what　I’m　doing。’
　　‘And　you　going；’　cried　Gabriel；　‘this　morning—just　like　that？　And　you　going　to　walk　offand　leave　your　mother—just　like　that？’
　　‘You　hush；’　she　said；　turning　to　him　for　the　first　time；　‘she　got　you；　ain’t　she？’
　　This　was　indeed；　she　realized　as　he　dropped　his　eyes；　the　bitter；　troubling　point。　He　couldnot　endure　the　thought　of　being　left　alone　with　his　mother；　with　nothing　whatever　to　put　betweenhimself　and　his　guilty　love。　With　Florence　gone；　time　would　have　swallowed　up　all　his　mother’schildren；　except　himself；　and　he；　then；　must　make　amends　for　all　the　pain　that　she　had　borne；　andsweeten　her　last　moments　with　all　his　proofs　of　love。　And　his　mother　required　of　him　one　proofonly；　that　he　tarry　no　longer　in　sin。　With　Florence　gone；　his　stammering　time；　his　playing　time；contracted　with　a　bound　to　the　sparest　interrogative　second；　when　he　must　stiffen　himself；　andanswer　to　his　mother；　and　all　the　host　of　Heaven；　yes　or　no。
　　Florence　smiled　inwardly　a　small；　malicious　smile；　watching　his　slow　bafflement；　andpanic；　and　rage：　and　she　looked　at　her　mother　again。　‘She　got　you；’　she　repeated。　‘She　don’t　needme。’
　　‘You　going　north；’　her　mother　said；　then。　‘And　when　you　reckon　on　ing　back？’
　　‘I　don’t　reckon　on　ing　back；’　she　said。
　　　‘You　e　crying　back　soon　enough；’　said　Gabriel；　with　malevolence；　‘soon　as　they　whipyour　butt　up　there　four　or　five　times。’
　　She　looked　at　him　again。　‘Just　don’t　you　try　to　hold　your　breath　till　then；　you　hear？’
　　‘Girl；’　said　her　mother；　‘you　mean　to　tell　me　the　Devil’s　done　made　your　heart　so　hard　youcan　just　leave　your　mother　on　her　dying　bed；　and　you　don’t　care　if　you　don’t　never　see　her　in　thisworld　no　more？　Honey；　you　can’t　tell　me　you　done　got　so　evil　as　all　that？’
　　She　felt　Gabriel　watching　her　to　see　how　she　would　take　this　question—the　question　that；for　all　her　determination；　she　had　dreaded　most　to　hear。　She　looked　away　from　her　mother；　andstraightened；　catching　her　breath；　looking　outwards　through　the　small；　cracked　window。　Thereoutside；　beyond　the　slowly　rising　mist；　and　farther　off　that　her　eyes　could　see；　her　life　awaited　her。
　　The　woman　on　the　bed　was　old；　her　life　was　fading　as　the　mist　rose。　She　thought　of　her　mother　asalready　in　the　grave；　and　she　would　not　let　herself　be　strangled　by　the　hands　of　the　dead。
　　‘I’m　going；　Ma；’　she　said。　‘I　got　to　go。’
　　Her　mother　leaned　back；　face　upward　to　the　light　and　began　to　cry。　Gabriel　moved　toFlorence’s　side　and　grabbed　her　arm。　She　looked　up　into　his　face　and　saw　that　his　eyes　were　full　oftears。
　　‘You　can’t　go；’　he　said。　‘You　can’t　go。　You　can’t　go　and　leave　your　mother　thisaway。　Sheneed　a　woman；　Florence；　to　help　look　after　her。　What　she　going　to　do　here；　all　alone　with　me？’
　　She　pushed　him　from　her　and　moved　to　stand　over　her　mother’s　bed。
　　‘Ma；’　she　said；　‘don’t　be　like　that。　Ain’t　a　thing　can　happen　to　me　up　North　can’t　happen　tome　here。　God’s　everywhere；　Ma。　Ain’t　no　need　to　worry。’
　　She　knew　that　she　was　mouthing　words；　and　she　realized　suddenly　that　her　mother　scornedto　dignify　these　words　with　her　attention。　She　had　granted　Florence　the　victory—with　apromptness　that　had　the　effect　of　making　Florence；　however　dimly　and　unwillingly；　wonder　if　hervictory　was　real。　She　was　not　weeping　for　her　daughter’s　future；　she　was　weeping　for　the　past；　andweeping　in　an　anguish　in　which　Florence　had　no　part。　And　all　of　this　filled　Florence　with　terriblefear；　which；　which　was　immediately　transformed　into　anger。　‘Gabriel　can　take　care　of　you；’　shesaid；　her　voice　shaking　with　malice。　‘Gabriel　ain’t　never　going　to　leave　you。　Is　you；　boy？’　and　shelooked　at　him。　He　stood；　stupid　with　bewilderment　and　grief；　a　few　inches　from　the　bed。　‘But　me；’
　　she　said；　‘I　got　to　go。’　She　walked　to　the　center　of　the　room　again；　and　picked　up　her　bag。
　　‘Girl；’　Gabriel　whispered；　‘ain’t　you　got　feelings　at　all？’
　　‘Lord！’　her　mother　cried；　and　at　the　sound　her　heart　turned　over；　she　and　Gabriel；　arrested；stared　at　the　bed。　‘Lord；　Lord；　Lord！　Lord；　have　mercy　on　my　sinful　daughter！　Stretch　out　yourhand　and　hold　her　back　from　the　lake　that　burns　forever！　Oh；　my　Lord；　my　Lord！’　and　her　voicedropped；　and　broke；　and　tears　ran　down　her　face。　‘Lord；　I　done　my　best　with　all　the　children　whatyou　give　me。　Lord；　have　mercy　on　my　children；　and　my　children’s　children。’
　　‘Florence；’　said　Gabriel；　‘please　don’t　go。　You　ain’t　really　fixing　to　go　and　leave　her　likethis？’
　　　Tears　stood　suddenly　in　her　own　eyes；　though　she　could　not　have　said　what　she　was　cryingfor。　‘Leave　me　be；’　she　said　to　Gabriel；　and　picked　up　her　bag　again。　She　opened　the　door；　thecold；　morning　air　came　in。　‘Good…bye。’　she　said。　And　then　to　Gabriel：　‘Tell　her　I　said　good…bye。’
　　She　walked　through　the　cabin　door　and　down　the　short　steps　into　the　frosty　yard。　Gabriel　watchedher；　standing　frozen　between　the　door　and　the　weeping　bed。　Then；　as　her　hand　was　on　the　gate；　heran　before　her；　and　slammed　the　gate　shut。
　　‘Girl；　where　you　going？　What　you　doing？　You　reckon　on　finding　some　men　up　North　todress　you　in　pearls　and　diamonds？’
　　Violently；　she　opened　the　gate　and　moved　out　into　the　road。　He　watched　her　with　his　jawhanging；　and　his　lips　loose　and　wet。　‘If　you　ever　see　me　again；’　she　said；　‘I　won’t　be　wearing　ragslike　yours。’
　　All　over　the　church　there　was　only　the　sound；　more　awful　than　the　deepest　silence；　of　the　prayersof　the　saints　of　God。　Only　the　yellow；　moaning　light　shone　above　them；　making　their　faces　gleamlike　muddy　gold。　Their　faces；　and　their　attitudes；　and　their　many　voices　rising　as　one　voice　madeJohn　think　of　the　deepest　valley；　the　longest　night；　of　Peter　and　Paul　in　the　dungeon　cell；　onepraying　while　the　other　sang；　or　of　endless；　depthless；　swelling　water；　and　no　dry　land　in　sight；　thetrue　believer　clinging　to　a　spar。　And；　thinking　of　to…morrow；　when　the　church　would　rise　up；singing；　under　the　booming　Sunday　light；　he　thought　of　the　light　for　which　they　tarried；　which；　inan　instant；　filled　the　soul；　causing　（throughout　those　iron…dark；　unimaginable　ages　before　John　hade　into　the　world）　the　new…born　in　Christ